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(My computer started complaining of not having enough memory so I'm doing what I can and going through my files in a type of spring cleaning. Here's another story that I wrote all the way to the end but never posted or didn't post to this journal for archive purposes. Anyway, another angsty Tonks story as I worked through my lost OTP.)
Title: Pain in the Adventure
Rating: PG-13
Character(s): Tonks/Kingsley
Summary: Tonks doesn’t know how she’s going to make it through this life.
Author’s Notes: This story was inspired by the following quote – One does not have to swallow poison or hug a dagger, my dear, to commit suicide. One can kill oneself and remain alive physically. -- Lloyd C. Douglas
“At least you’ll be near the kids,” Kingsley reminded her as he wrapped his arms around the sobbing girl. “You’ll get to see Harry and Ron when they leave the grounds. Molly said she’d send you meals so you wouldn’t have to mess with always eating the greasy stuff Rosmerta serves. What an adventure you’ll have.”
“Quit trying to cheer me up. I want to be miserable,” she mumbled against his shoulder. At the thought of not being able to run to him for hugs, she started crying harder. “Whose idea was it to separate us all up like this? We work together as a group for a reason.”
When she had to stop talking and let the sobbing pass, he detangled her arms from around his torso. His piercing eyes looked straight into her heart, seeing all the things she wanted to say but couldn’t.
“Do your job, Tonks. This is what we’ve spent our lives preparing for and now we have a chance to see what we’re made of. You’re more than you think you are. You don’t need me around, getting in your way, taking all your glory.”
I love you, she screamed, silently hoping it came through so he could see how badly she wanted to say it. There was never a good time to let him know, even though his own gaze told her he understood, and that he shared the sentiment.
“Think your new ‘boss’ will let you send owls now and then? You’ll be at a desk all day. Surely there’ll be time to let me know how you’re doing.”
She swallowed quickly, refusing to let the sobs come up after she’d worked so hard to get them stuffed back down in her stomach. The regret in his eyes was her answer.
*****
Three weeks on her own and Tonks was finding numerous reasons to wander into Hogsmeade for a pint and a chat with Rosmerta. Soon the school would be full again and she’d have a reason to stay at her post.
There’d been few things she’d done with her time so it couldn’t be called a complete waste of time. Now that she was done, the feeling of uselessness was sweeping through her, making it impossible to get out of bed each morning. It was almost noon today before she talked herself into action. A glance in the mirror reminded her that she hadn’t attempted a new face in weeks… not since he’d kissed her goodbye, fingering the brown hair between his equally dark fingers and telling her how much he liked the color.
Checking the gates carefully, her charm told her that no one but Dumbledore had been in or out since she’d set them. All she had to do now was sit down and wait for the day to end, another in a long line of days that held no importance for her.
“Any thoughts on actually doing your job today?”
She would have normally snarled something back at Snape but she was too surprised to see him on her side of the gates.
“What are you doing here?”
“You’ve obviously fallen and hit your head. That might explain why you’ve forgotten what my job is. Since you’ve never done your job well, I can see why you might have forgotten mine.”
The glare started out well but faltered when it tried to move her expression around. This was the first person she’d seen in days. Not talking to him would be more painful than talking to him.
“What’s happening? Are the kids ready for school? Has Dumbledore found everything he’s looking for? What was the score of the last match between the Canons and Harpies? I need something! Anything!”
Snape delicately undid her fingers from around his arm as he gazed down his nose, his eyebrow arched. “School doesn’t start for another month so I doubt any of the children have begun to think about the upcoming school year. You’ll have to ask Dumbledore himself about what he’s doing. And I believe the Harpies lost by sixty points. Will that suffice?”
Tears sprung into her eyes as she tried to accept the humanity Snape had just given her, covered with his same snarly tones. If it hadn’t been for the absurdity of this conversation, she might have asked him the question that burned in her throat, cutting off everything she might have wanted to say.
“Stick to the gate and don’t even think about letting some overly simple charm take your place again or you place us all in danger. Understood?”
He turned to leave and she sank to the ground, unmindful that the robe she wore - one of his old ones that she swiped one day after leaving his house too late to go back to her place to change - was soaking up the dust around her. Keeping her clothes clean was the last thing on her mind. All her energy was going into breathing in and out.
Snape turned back at the gate, which swung open for him as he raised a hand nonchalantly. “I have one other piece of information for you, but before I tell you, I have to caution you. There are other ways to die that have nothing to do with Death Eaters or curses. When I look at you, I’m reminded that most dead people are still walking around, looking a lot like you.”
“I don’t think you’ve ever said these many words to me at one time,” Tonks said, painfully aware that he had found her heads weakness and jabbed a red-hot poker into it.
As her hand rubbed at her chest, right above her heart, he nodded. “Enjoy it while it happens and thank me for going out of my way while I was in London.”
“London?” Her head jerked up, hope blossoming in the void of her chest.
“He told me to tell you to remember the adventure is worth it.”
When she could no longer see him, she let the tears fall. No use showing the pain that was tearing her apart. There was nothing anyone could do. If this was what adventure was like, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to be on this ride anymore.
“I want off!” she screamed. “No more. I want to be with him.”
Her own arms wrapped around in a hug weren’t the same thing as his arms wrapped securely around her. It would have to do, though. The rod of iron in her backbone couldn’t be denied now that she was reminded of the job she’d been told to do. Granted, she worked better in groups than alone, but she needed to at least try.
And if he saw her doing her job, maybe Snape would make another side trip to London.
“It’s not really worth it without you, Kingsley,” she whispered, knowing he was feeling the same.
Title: Pain in the Adventure
Rating: PG-13
Character(s): Tonks/Kingsley
Summary: Tonks doesn’t know how she’s going to make it through this life.
Author’s Notes: This story was inspired by the following quote – One does not have to swallow poison or hug a dagger, my dear, to commit suicide. One can kill oneself and remain alive physically. -- Lloyd C. Douglas
“At least you’ll be near the kids,” Kingsley reminded her as he wrapped his arms around the sobbing girl. “You’ll get to see Harry and Ron when they leave the grounds. Molly said she’d send you meals so you wouldn’t have to mess with always eating the greasy stuff Rosmerta serves. What an adventure you’ll have.”
“Quit trying to cheer me up. I want to be miserable,” she mumbled against his shoulder. At the thought of not being able to run to him for hugs, she started crying harder. “Whose idea was it to separate us all up like this? We work together as a group for a reason.”
When she had to stop talking and let the sobbing pass, he detangled her arms from around his torso. His piercing eyes looked straight into her heart, seeing all the things she wanted to say but couldn’t.
“Do your job, Tonks. This is what we’ve spent our lives preparing for and now we have a chance to see what we’re made of. You’re more than you think you are. You don’t need me around, getting in your way, taking all your glory.”
I love you, she screamed, silently hoping it came through so he could see how badly she wanted to say it. There was never a good time to let him know, even though his own gaze told her he understood, and that he shared the sentiment.
“Think your new ‘boss’ will let you send owls now and then? You’ll be at a desk all day. Surely there’ll be time to let me know how you’re doing.”
She swallowed quickly, refusing to let the sobs come up after she’d worked so hard to get them stuffed back down in her stomach. The regret in his eyes was her answer.
*****
Three weeks on her own and Tonks was finding numerous reasons to wander into Hogsmeade for a pint and a chat with Rosmerta. Soon the school would be full again and she’d have a reason to stay at her post.
There’d been few things she’d done with her time so it couldn’t be called a complete waste of time. Now that she was done, the feeling of uselessness was sweeping through her, making it impossible to get out of bed each morning. It was almost noon today before she talked herself into action. A glance in the mirror reminded her that she hadn’t attempted a new face in weeks… not since he’d kissed her goodbye, fingering the brown hair between his equally dark fingers and telling her how much he liked the color.
Checking the gates carefully, her charm told her that no one but Dumbledore had been in or out since she’d set them. All she had to do now was sit down and wait for the day to end, another in a long line of days that held no importance for her.
“Any thoughts on actually doing your job today?”
She would have normally snarled something back at Snape but she was too surprised to see him on her side of the gates.
“What are you doing here?”
“You’ve obviously fallen and hit your head. That might explain why you’ve forgotten what my job is. Since you’ve never done your job well, I can see why you might have forgotten mine.”
The glare started out well but faltered when it tried to move her expression around. This was the first person she’d seen in days. Not talking to him would be more painful than talking to him.
“What’s happening? Are the kids ready for school? Has Dumbledore found everything he’s looking for? What was the score of the last match between the Canons and Harpies? I need something! Anything!”
Snape delicately undid her fingers from around his arm as he gazed down his nose, his eyebrow arched. “School doesn’t start for another month so I doubt any of the children have begun to think about the upcoming school year. You’ll have to ask Dumbledore himself about what he’s doing. And I believe the Harpies lost by sixty points. Will that suffice?”
Tears sprung into her eyes as she tried to accept the humanity Snape had just given her, covered with his same snarly tones. If it hadn’t been for the absurdity of this conversation, she might have asked him the question that burned in her throat, cutting off everything she might have wanted to say.
“Stick to the gate and don’t even think about letting some overly simple charm take your place again or you place us all in danger. Understood?”
He turned to leave and she sank to the ground, unmindful that the robe she wore - one of his old ones that she swiped one day after leaving his house too late to go back to her place to change - was soaking up the dust around her. Keeping her clothes clean was the last thing on her mind. All her energy was going into breathing in and out.
Snape turned back at the gate, which swung open for him as he raised a hand nonchalantly. “I have one other piece of information for you, but before I tell you, I have to caution you. There are other ways to die that have nothing to do with Death Eaters or curses. When I look at you, I’m reminded that most dead people are still walking around, looking a lot like you.”
“I don’t think you’ve ever said these many words to me at one time,” Tonks said, painfully aware that he had found her heads weakness and jabbed a red-hot poker into it.
As her hand rubbed at her chest, right above her heart, he nodded. “Enjoy it while it happens and thank me for going out of my way while I was in London.”
“London?” Her head jerked up, hope blossoming in the void of her chest.
“He told me to tell you to remember the adventure is worth it.”
When she could no longer see him, she let the tears fall. No use showing the pain that was tearing her apart. There was nothing anyone could do. If this was what adventure was like, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to be on this ride anymore.
“I want off!” she screamed. “No more. I want to be with him.”
Her own arms wrapped around in a hug weren’t the same thing as his arms wrapped securely around her. It would have to do, though. The rod of iron in her backbone couldn’t be denied now that she was reminded of the job she’d been told to do. Granted, she worked better in groups than alone, but she needed to at least try.
And if he saw her doing her job, maybe Snape would make another side trip to London.
“It’s not really worth it without you, Kingsley,” she whispered, knowing he was feeling the same.
